The 4th Of July

Today is a really hard day for me. I thought things would get better-easier-but it seems like it always comes back to not being easy at all. I'm over Chad. I know I am because I can think about him and NOT feel that stab in my heart that I used to. So I know I'm over him. But when I think about him going to his family parties or reunions-like today-it gets REALLY bad. Our kids, of course, are with him all day today because of the festivities and I think it wouldn't be SO hard if I had stuff to do today. Like money to be able to go to Silver Beach and watch the fireworks and play in the water and on the beach. Or family stuff of my own to do. Or even friend parties. But I don't. There's a place that I can go to watch fireworks tonight that's close by but I won't have any close friends or close family with me. A few that I'm acquaintances with, but that's it. It really sucks SO BADLY. And it doesn't help that I'm, like, super depressed right now too. It seems like all I can do anymore is cry and feel sorry for myself. And no matter what I do I can't seem to snap out of it. I'm good at hiding it from my kids though, which is good. I need to do that. Hide these things from the girls. But it's so hard because then I just bottle it all up and put on a smile and go on about my day until the bottle blows up in my face. *sigh* I really think I need counseling....or medication.....or both. Probably both. Hopefully I can get on some insurance and get some help for myself. God today sucks:(