New chapter in my life

Well, I found a job FINALLY! I have been volunteering at a nursing home here for the last 2 weeks. On my 2nd day there, the director of Nursing offered me a position there!! I really really like it there. It is REALLY clean (and you know a LOT of nursing homes aren't that clean), the people are all really nice, and I get to help out in the activities department when they need help too! (that's the dept I'm volunteering in right now) They want me to get my chauffeurs license too so I can help drive to apts as well! I am really excited about this!! It's only part time for now, but I really can't DO full time with school too. I mean I guess I CAN but I won't ever see my kids. Lets just hope this goes alright! It's on the weekends too, so I'm hoping I can find sitters when I need them!! I'm kinda hoping they need extra help right now, with Christmas right around the corner too. I have NOTHING bought for them or anyone yet and I'm kinda freaking out that I don't. *sigh* BUT at least I have a JOB now! I haven't worked in 3 years. I have been a SAHM (stay at home mom) for those 3 years now and It's been wonderful and I'll miss it, BUT I am also really excited to get back to work! Plus the residents there are awesome. I have gotten to know a few of them and I'm falling in love! I am hoping this is the start of GOOD things to come!

Thing with the soon to be ex are alright for now. We had a little spat last night, but we resolved it without it getting too bad. I'm just really stressed and taking it out on him. Plus, since I'll be working and needing Chad's help whenever I can get it, I have to meet the ...gulp blech....girlfriend ugh. And I mean "officially" meet her. Like sit down and have a conversation with her. I just don't know how I'm going to do this!! I wanted to wait a YEAR for the girls to meet her and now, I have to do it before the holidays UUGHHHH!! I'm going to be a wreck. I told Chad he wasn't allowed to be there because he instigates things a LOT. So that should help a little. The thing is, she seems like a really sweet person. And that just makes it THAT MUCH harder! I WANT to HATE her SO badly. But how can I if I actually LIKE her?? UGH! This is going to SUCK! I have already had a breakdown about it the other day. I'm reading a book called "One Call Away" and a lot of her story so far, mimics my life. And it makes me cry. A lot.

Oh well. I guess I'll just continue taking things one day at a time and see how it goes! I have orientation on Friday:)



Sinking back................

So, as of lately, I have been doing really well with this whole new life of mine. Until last week. I dunno why.....I feel like I'm sinking back into the depression that I started everything with. And it sucks. All I want to do is sleep. I only eat when I figure out my stomach's rumbling, and I have NO energy to work out. Which sucks majorly because it has been going SO WELL! ugh. I hate this!! And I have NO idea WHY I'm feeling like this!!! Maybe because the holidays are coming up? I dunno. All I know is I need to get OUT of this before it ruins me. I just have no idea HOW to do that.......................



Wish things would get easier.....

Well I haven't posted in a while, so I thought I'd update today. I have been doing pretty well emotionally:-) Which makes me REALLY happy! Chad and I have been getting along better and the sting is getting less and less. I just wish things would fall into place financially....Finding a job is nearly impossible anymore! If I could just get a job, things would be SO MUCH BETTER!!!

I have been working out almost every day for almost 2 weeks.  I did take 2 days off but I'm back at it now! I lost 2 1/4" from my waist and 1 1/2" from my hips in ONE week! I'm down 18 lbs as well now. I am super happy about it!!

School is going alright. I'm slowly bringing my grades back up but it's still a rough semester. I hope things get easier for me from here on out! I am thinking of switching majors from Nursing to Medical Assistant. I think it would be easier on me and the girls if I made this switch! We'll see.

Well I don't have much else to say today. Just thought I'd update!! I'll leave you with pics from weeks 1 and 2 so you can see the difference!

Week 1

Week 2

A little better....

Hello! I'm bored so I thought I'd write. Things are going a little better....for now. I'm getting things done about getting money and a job. My daycare vouchers should be coming through very very soon!!! As soon as that happens, JOB here I come!

I'm starting to have a little anxiety about Christmas. Chad's family has like 4 different parts to it. On Christmas eve, we go to his moms side (his moms house then his grandmas), then Christmas morning, we do Santa, get ready, and go to MY side of the family for about 2-3 hours. Then we go to his dads, then his step dads side of the family. So if I let him take them to his family things, I will only get my kids for like 4 hours on Christmas. I'm FREAKING out. I CANNOT be without my kids on Christmas!!!! I just may have to tell to go EFF himself and go with them just to be with the girls. I mean, the family doesn't mind at all because they love me so I think it'll be alright. We'll see how I do closer to the time. I get them Halloween and Thanksgiving because he works both days (yay!) Ok so that's selfish of me to say yay but I can't help it. I am a VERY big family oriented person and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the holidays. I love dressing the girls up and going to see all the family. And I've been doing this for almost 4 years now. Its hectic and crazy but I don't care. It's the best part of the holidays-being with family. So like I said, we'll see how it goes but I think he may have to suck it up and let me come. Besides, the whore isn't allowed to come so I think it'll be alright.

I don't know if I blogged about this yet, but I started an account on My Fitness Pal. According to them, I have lost about 15lbs since August. YAY! My name on there is Bria428. I've been tracking what I've been eating and doing. And a friend of mine is sending me a workout dvd and it should be here any day. I'm tooooo excited! Skinny-here I come! LOL!!!! Alright, I'm tired of writing haha. I'll ttyl:-)



One more for the day...my ABCs

a. age: 28
b. bed size: California King
c. chore that you hate: the laundry....but ONLY the folding and putting away part
d. dogs: Nope
e. essential start to your day: Smiles, hugs, and kisses from my girls
f. favorite color: purple
g. gold or silver: silver or white gold
h. height: 5'5 1/2"
i. instruments you play: the cd player haha
j. job title: SAHM and student for now
k. kids: Annabelle Christine and Peyton Kaleigh
l. live: Indiana
m. mother's name: Goerke
n. nicknames: Bri, B, Bri-butt, Bri Bri
o. overnight hospital stays: giving birth...twice:-)
p. Pet peeve: Smoking, liars, bad drivers...ok I have a LOT
q. quote from a movie: "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure don't deserve me at my best!" and "everything happens for a reason."
r. right or left handed: right
s. siblings: Bj, Jessica, Jason
u. underwear: right now? zebra striped ones haha
v. vegetable you hate: Peppers, tomatoes, onions, squash....
x. x-Rays you've had: wrist, chest, ankle, teeth...
y. Yummy food that you make: taco soup.
z. zoo animal: elephants!



Losing weight

My friend over at Lovely Little Adventure....I don't know how to tag other blogs in my blog yet lol.....made a blog about losing weight. She started a My fitness pal account and it encouraged me to do the same.

Before August, I wouldn't be surprised if I weighed around 310lbs. I started dieting Aug 1st and as of right now, I'm down to 290.2lbs. If I was right about the 310 mark, Ive lost about 20lbs since August 1st, if it was a little less, I've still lost between 10-20lbs:-) And it just keeps coming off! Hey works for me!

Anyways, I started a my fitness pal account too. My name is Bria428. I'll also keep it updated on here when I check in there!



*sigh*

So these past few days have been rough. He and I got into ANOTHER big fight, only this time, I didn't start it and there was NO reason for it at all. PLUS he won't give me any money now. So I have NO idea what I'm going to do. (sn-he just told me that he paid the landlord $125 and paid the water bill, is buying the baby diapers and toothpaste, and gave me $20-so at least that's SOMETHING) I mean I have plans that have been set into motion, but I can only go as fast as the state goes. I'm honestly afraid I'm going to have to quit school. Or at least drop this semester. I just don't WANT to. But I can't concentrate AT ALL. My grades have slipped horribly and it's just NOT happening for me this semester. I'm also afraid I'm going to have to change majors:-( I want to be a nurse SO badly but you HAVE to get an A in Anatomy and Physiology and right now, I'm NOT getting an A. Plus, you can only take it twice ever and I already dropped it in the spring due to accidentally signing up for an 8 week semester....whoops! And I guess that counted as 1 time:-( We'll see how it goes but I just may need to do it.

The other problem is I NEED a job. Christmas is coming up soon and I need to pay rent as of December 1st. I have it paid through November due to financial aid and loans but couldn't pay Dec/Jan because of having to pay the late rent and fees. So I paid $3000 for rent from July-November and he paid $125. Fair? I think NOT. Especially after all hes done to me.

Oh well. Things emotionally are getting better at least. I KNOW that I deserve WAY better than that and I know someday, I'll find it. It's just REALLY hard because I still love him, even though I don't WANT to. I'm sure with time, that will go away mostly, but he IS the father of my child(ren....hopefully he'll still adopt her) and I will always love him in a way.

I went to his cousin's wedding last night (he did NOT go) with the girls, and we had a BLAST! She looked AMAZINGLY beautiful!! I am So happy for them! And I made it through the wedding, only crying once! I'm pretty proud of myself haha!!

Alright, Well I'll leave you with a couple of pics from last night:-)

 Annabelle and I

Trying to keep Peyton quiet in church 

Peyton and mommy 



The happy couple:-) 

Me at the wedding 



Me again:-) 

She loves her mommy! 

Miss Annabelle:-)

Thanks for reading everyone!!



Doing better....for now....

Hello! Well my hand/wrist feels a little bit better. It seems like if I don't do much with it, it starts feeling better. However, I have 2 kids and an apartment to take care of, not to mention myself and school lol. So I think it will get bad again, but oh well! I'll deal with that like I deal with everything else:-)

Things have been a little bit better for me the last few days. After our HUGE fight last Friday, things were REALLY bad between Chad and I. However, when I talked to him on Mon or Tues? he apologized to me. Like sincerely did. He said he was going to try to be more understanding of what I'M going through in this whole situation and he also said he's going to try and watch what he says and think about how it's going to make me feel if he says it. He tends to say things to rub him and her in my face. And it REALLY gets to me (obviously).

Yesterday, he came to get the girls and forgot to text me when he was on the way, so instead of me just sending them out there, like originally planned, he came inside. I was scared of course. It seems like ever time I see him, I snap. But he gave the girls a hug and I was gathering Peyton's diaper bag up and he came and gave me a big hug and asked me if I was ok. He held me there for like a min. It hurt. A lot. But it felt good too. I told him I was alright for now, which is true. I just don't care anymore. I DO obviously, but I just can't. Its too draining. He doesn't care about "us" so why should I? I will ALWAYS love him and to be honest, I don't know if I will ever get past this. But I AM trying to.

I have also gotten a little good news this past week! I'm pretty sure I mentioned that he was our only income, I can't get a job until I get help with daycare (he won't pay for it), and I'm in school. I tried to apply for TANF-temporary assistance for needy families-but I got denied. I was on it once before before Chad and I got married and apparently I got sanctioned from getting it again. BUT this past week, I found out all I need to do is go to an IMPACT orientation and I will be unsanctioned!! So I'm waiting on the invite from them so I can go. I will get that, which will automatically give me free daycare, and I will start looking for a job. Unfortunately, right now, I can't work full time due to school. BUT I will do whatever I need to, to survive. Between child support, spousal support-IF I can get it-, and a part time job, I should be alright:-) I have paid on rent through November with my school loans so that's out of the way for a bit. But this is seriously amazing news for me! Please, if you're reading this, and have something mean to say, just DON'T say it! I am doing what I NEED to, to be able to get back on my feet. I was a single mom before with my oldest daughter and I worked 50+ hrs a week to provide for her and I with NO help from her "dad" whom she doesn't see anyways. I will do whatever I have to, to make sure everything's alright for these kids. BUT I will NOT give up school. He's taken EVERYTHING from me...including the fact that I now have to share my kids-which I never have before. We did things as a family. Now, we can't. So he's taken everything, I will NOT let him take me being able to get a good degree and a career! I have over a year put into this. I won't give it up.

So this week has been good. I just hope it stays that way. I don't think I can handle anymore crap lol. Today is Annabelle's picture day at school! I'm excited. I LOVE comparing her pictures from each year and see how much she's grown. She changes SO MUCH every year! She's not my baby anymore:-(

Alright, I'm done for today. Thanks for reading, if you are. I have a whole ONE follower (love you Ash!!) but I can see more people have read this so THANK YOU! :-) Hopefully I can build this into a good, fun to read, blog.



Be back SOON!

Just getting on here really quick to say I'll write in a couple of days....I messed up my wrist and it's hard to type lol. But I WILL be back:-)

Coninued from the first one.....

Alright. Let me see if I can continue my sob story now...So yeah. They moved in together. Since then, it's been fight after fight with him and I. He threatens, I threaten and it's one huge circle....it's ridiculous. Plus, he was our ONLY income. He left me with the apartment, kids, and all the bills and NO income at all. And is STILL trying to screw me out of money. I mean, I know I'm going to go get child support and whatever else I can get from him but still ugh. They have a $4,000/month income and I have nothing. On top of all of that, he's being a TOTAL a$$ to me. I have been SO depressed that I think I'm going to get into counseling or something. I need something to help me through!! I'm in school and do NOT need to screw this all up. 


Today was an ok day until I talked to him this evening about the kids. Then, once again, all hell broke loose. I'm just SOOO sick of it all! I just want this part of the separation/divorce to be OVER with! It's killing me and the girls. They miss him SO much. They've seen him like once a week and that's it. He calls every day for like a minute but that's it. It's NOT enough. But I won't let the kids around HER. I don't think they need that right now. 


So yeah, this is my "new life" and it sucks! Hopefully I can come on here and vent every day. I don't know if anyone will read this other than my ONE follower, miss Ashley (ILY!!!!) lol but at least I'll feel better typing it! I'm sure every day there will be something new for me to b*tch about haha. Hopefully my one follower won't get too tired of hearing about it! And hopefully my days will improve.


At least I have my girls. They are my whole life. I will do ANYTHING for them. And I will do ANYTHING to make sure they have EVERYTHING they need/and possibly want too! That's my whole goal in life is them:-) With that, I'll post a pic of them!

Them at Steak N Shake:-)

My new life

Alright. This is yet the third blog that I have started. My first one, I kind of just never wrote on. My 2nd one, was all of 12 blogs and was about my life as a mommy and a wife. Well that last part, is no longer. Or will be no longer anyways. I have been married since April 28, 2009. We have been together since March 10, 2008. We had a baby on February 7, 2009 and he has taken on my oldest daughter as well. We were separated at the end of 2009 due to him lying and us fighting ALLLLL the time! I kicked him out and we were separated for about 3 months or so. He started dating someone right away and was planning on moving in with her. I was sort of dating someone as well. We weren't "official" but we knew we were talking and weren't talking to anyone else. Well towards the end of that 3 months, I freaked out and just HAD to get Chad back. We ended up back together and, so I thought, had been doing better than ever. He seemed happy and I put on a front. But now, looking back, I knew I had been in a depression because I noticed things changing and I didn't WANT to see it at all. So I sat there. Literally. I took care of the kids, him and sort of the apartment but not really. I wasnt' taking care of myself or anything. I was depressed.

August 15, 2011 came and Chad woke up in a HORRIBLE mood. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. We had Annabelle's meet and greet at school that day so I just let it go. It was his ONLY day off for over a week, so I wanted it to be a good day. I might add here that he works from 5pm-5am and I had him quit smoking because I HATED it. That's one of the things he always lied about. Smoking. Well I found out before we left that he was doing it again after he told me he quit. I know I know I shouldn't have tried to change him but I didn't bother him with ANYTHING else other than his driving (because of the girls mostly). I let him do whatever he wanted. But I guess that just didn't matter. We got into a HUGE fight when we got home and I told him to leave. I called him and told him to come back but when he did, it wasn't what I wanted at all. He told me that he had been thinking about this for a long time and he didn't want to be with me anymore. He completely crushed me.

The next day, Chad told me that he didn't love me anymore. Out of NOWHERE. Now, mind you, I have texts from him just 4 days before all of that crap that tells me how much he loves me and how much he would miss me that week when he worked allll week. He said he was putting on a front. Well I found out why about 4-5 days later. He had been having an affair with some whore at work. He "claims" he had only been talking to her since the week before he left but he started staying with her the week after he left and moved into an apt with her 2 weeks after he left. And she has a 18 month old daughter. Soooo she just moved in a guy who she's been seeing for a whole 2 weeks in with her daughter?! I really doubt that!!!! UGH! Ok this is pissing me off as I type it, so I'm going to end it now. SO much more has happened since then. I'll write more tomorrow.....