The 4th Of July

Today is a really hard day for me. I thought things would get better-easier-but it seems like it always comes back to not being easy at all. I'm over Chad. I know I am because I can think about him and NOT feel that stab in my heart that I used to. So I know I'm over him. But when I think about him going to his family parties or reunions-like today-it gets REALLY bad. Our kids, of course, are with him all day today because of the festivities and I think it wouldn't be SO hard if I had stuff to do today. Like money to be able to go to Silver Beach and watch the fireworks and play in the water and on the beach. Or family stuff of my own to do. Or even friend parties. But I don't. There's a place that I can go to watch fireworks tonight that's close by but I won't have any close friends or close family with me. A few that I'm acquaintances with, but that's it. It really sucks SO BADLY. And it doesn't help that I'm, like, super depressed right now too. It seems like all I can do anymore is cry and feel sorry for myself. And no matter what I do I can't seem to snap out of it. I'm good at hiding it from my kids though, which is good. I need to do that. Hide these things from the girls. But it's so hard because then I just bottle it all up and put on a smile and go on about my day until the bottle blows up in my face. *sigh* I really think I need counseling....or medication.....or both. Probably both. Hopefully I can get on some insurance and get some help for myself. God today sucks:(

Update on life....again lol

Hello everyone! I haven't posted in quite a while-not that anyone actually reads these-but I'll post for me lol.

Lets see here, I got a new van:) My car overheating? Was NOT the thermostat-it was a blown head gasket:/ Which would have cost more than I  paid for the car. So I put a downpayment on a 2004 Ford Freestar. It's silver and I love it! I have to get new brake pads soon though-they're squeeky lol.

My semester ended almost 2 weeks ago now. I ended up with 3 B's:) I'm super happy with it! Next semester, I'm taking Billing and Coding and Admin 2. Should be a pretty easy-ish semester!

Since my semester ended, I've worked SO much! Which is good because for a while there-I wasn't making it at alllll. I was getting maybe 40-50 hours on my paycheck and this next one should have about 76 on it! And now, with a van payment and full coverage insurance-I NEED the extra money for sure!

Christmas was good. The girls got everything they wanted I think. Plus a ton of clothes-which helps out!

I was dating a guy for a bit. He just wouldn't get his life together and was a total jerk about a LOT of things so I ended that-on Christmas Eve....whoops haha.

So, that's life for now!! I'm sure I won't update for a long wile-as usual lol.

Well, that's life:/

Well, things as of late, have kind of sucked. Not everything I guess, just little crap that has turned into BIG crap:/ My car keeps over heating for one. And everyone says it's probably just the thermostat, which is a cheap fix, but I can't find anyone to actually come DO it. So that sucks. I have to miss school tomorrow because of it. Plus miss Peyton is sick again with Croup, so she can't go to daycare anyway. I'm actually at home now, instead of work where I should be. Oh well. My babies come first of course. I just HATE letting work down:(

Hopefully I'll be getting my loans through school soon so I can put a downpayment on a car! I need a new one anyway:)

Hope anyone who reads this is having a lovely day!!

Weight and lumps:-/

So, first thing, in the last 2 months or so, I've gained almost 20 of the 52lbs I had lost in the last year, back. It sucks. So im going on a liquid fast for the next few days. Maybe that will get me back on track. I hope.

This morning, in the shower, when I was washing, I felt something on my breast. So I did a self examination and sure enough, there's a lump:( Its on the top side of my breast and its hard. It doesn't hurt and its not huge but it's big enough that i can feel it just my brushing up against my breast. Im trying to find a place that will give a free examination but so far, no luck. If anyone even reads my posts, will you just say a little prayer for me? I have 2 little girls who need me and I can't go through something like this right now. Anyways, just wanted to write it out. Thanks for listening....if anyone is...

Trying to find my way

Well, I ended up not having such a good birthday:/ Annabelle was SO sick, she couldn't even move hardly, because of a migraine. Called her DR office and they told me to get her to the ER immediately. So I did, freaking out of course. Chad was at work, so I called his girlfriend, Samantha (the whore as I still sometimes call her....even though it's been less and less....more on that later) and she came to pick up Peyton for me. She went to get Chad from work and fed miss Peyton too and brought her back and they stayed with both girls so I could go get Annabelle's RX and food for her. Ok, now that I went off track, back to the story. They did a strep test on Annabelle which ended up coming back positive, which is why she had such a migraine. At one point, her HR was up to 141 which REALLY freaked me out. But they said it was from the fever, thank God! So that's how I spent my Birthday:( But it's ok. My babygirl is alright and that's all that matters:)

Ok, so about...her. Things have been better lately. We haven't gotten into it in a while, which I'm sure means it's gonna happen soon. I'm hoping I nipped the problem by switching up work a bit so I can have the girls home with me every day during the week. Besides, school is starting in 3 days (EEEKKKK I have a 4th grader!!) so it'll be better for Annabelle to stay at home for that:) I'm trying to keep my cool about things that I can't control. Like Chad's place. He smokes INSIDE his apt with the girls and they both have asthma so I get PISSED but there's nothing I can do about it. So I'll just keep them here with me, where it's safe for them for the most part lol. But It's KILLING Chad that he goes 5 days without seeing them. And I get it. He's a good dad, other than that part. I feel bad but it's what's for the best.

I started going back to church in July. I've only missed one week due to a wedding and work since I started going back. I love being there. I just hope I can find my way soon. I need to buy a new bible. But they're SO expensive! Guess that's going to have to wait for now!

My fall semester starts on August 20th. I'm excited to get back but nervous too. If I can't seem to pull my GPA up and ace these 3 classes, it's over for me! So I'm going to have to work REALLY  hard to fix what I let Chad destroy. I can do it, I know I can!

I'm hoping to get enough in FA/loans to get a new car. I know mine isn't gonna last too much longer and I kind of NEED a car to get to/from classes and work! Please let my car last until then!

I'm thinking I'm going to take the girls to the pool today. As long as it warms up a bit! Today is the last day I'll have off until next Monday, when I start school back up!

A long time coming.....

So, I haven't written since November 9, 2011. It is now, July 18, 2012. These last 8 months have been some of the hardest I have ever been through. Not only that I have been through, but what my girls have been through too. It's still hard to get used to the "new normal" around here. Every other day, my girls are with their dad. Which is ok, I guess. I love that they spend so much time with him, but I hate....no despise....her. the "whore" as I have named her. Yes, mean, I know. But that's what she is to me. A homewrecking whore. Now, don't get me wrong, I dont' want Chad back...at all. But she treats my kids like crap and he lets her. And right now, I have no choice but to let her be around them. After August 6th though, unless he talks to her and makes her stop, he won't be getting them as much as he is now. They will be home, where they belong. Gosh I sound like a bitter hag:/ Oh well. I love my babies. And will do anything to make sure they're happy again.

I got a job 2 days after my last post on here. I work in a nursing home as a CNA and in the Activities dept as well. Oh and transportation too. I drive the bus to appointments the residents have. Not all of them and not all the time, but sometimes:) I really love it. I'm also starting classes back up, after taking the summer off. The last 2 semesters have REALLY sucked for me. So it's time to step up my game for real now. I have to ace all 3 classes for me to keep my FA and if I don't, these last 2 years would have been for nothing. And I can't let that happen. He took everything else from me. I won't let him take this too.

Personally, I've been sort of a mess. Found a guy that I fell hard and fast for, but he chose someone else because...well because he's an idiot I guess. He has his reasons and I get it, but it still sucks. That's the first time I really put myself out there for a guy and he hurt me. Bad. But it's ok. Someday, I'll find someone who deserves me AND my kiddos:) Until then, I have my girls! They really are the best part of me and I love them to death!!

Alright, I'm going to get to bed and try to sleep. I have no kids and no work tomorrow...hmm should have thought about that earlier. I could have had a drink for once!! LOL! Oh well. My birthday is Monday, so maybe I'll get one soon:)

My girls on 4th of July



New chapter in my life

Well, I found a job FINALLY! I have been volunteering at a nursing home here for the last 2 weeks. On my 2nd day there, the director of Nursing offered me a position there!! I really really like it there. It is REALLY clean (and you know a LOT of nursing homes aren't that clean), the people are all really nice, and I get to help out in the activities department when they need help too! (that's the dept I'm volunteering in right now) They want me to get my chauffeurs license too so I can help drive to apts as well! I am really excited about this!! It's only part time for now, but I really can't DO full time with school too. I mean I guess I CAN but I won't ever see my kids. Lets just hope this goes alright! It's on the weekends too, so I'm hoping I can find sitters when I need them!! I'm kinda hoping they need extra help right now, with Christmas right around the corner too. I have NOTHING bought for them or anyone yet and I'm kinda freaking out that I don't. *sigh* BUT at least I have a JOB now! I haven't worked in 3 years. I have been a SAHM (stay at home mom) for those 3 years now and It's been wonderful and I'll miss it, BUT I am also really excited to get back to work! Plus the residents there are awesome. I have gotten to know a few of them and I'm falling in love! I am hoping this is the start of GOOD things to come!

Thing with the soon to be ex are alright for now. We had a little spat last night, but we resolved it without it getting too bad. I'm just really stressed and taking it out on him. Plus, since I'll be working and needing Chad's help whenever I can get it, I have to meet the ...gulp blech....girlfriend ugh. And I mean "officially" meet her. Like sit down and have a conversation with her. I just don't know how I'm going to do this!! I wanted to wait a YEAR for the girls to meet her and now, I have to do it before the holidays UUGHHHH!! I'm going to be a wreck. I told Chad he wasn't allowed to be there because he instigates things a LOT. So that should help a little. The thing is, she seems like a really sweet person. And that just makes it THAT MUCH harder! I WANT to HATE her SO badly. But how can I if I actually LIKE her?? UGH! This is going to SUCK! I have already had a breakdown about it the other day. I'm reading a book called "One Call Away" and a lot of her story so far, mimics my life. And it makes me cry. A lot.

Oh well. I guess I'll just continue taking things one day at a time and see how it goes! I have orientation on Friday:)