Sinking back................

So, as of lately, I have been doing really well with this whole new life of mine. Until last week. I dunno why.....I feel like I'm sinking back into the depression that I started everything with. And it sucks. All I want to do is sleep. I only eat when I figure out my stomach's rumbling, and I have NO energy to work out. Which sucks majorly because it has been going SO WELL! ugh. I hate this!! And I have NO idea WHY I'm feeling like this!!! Maybe because the holidays are coming up? I dunno. All I know is I need to get OUT of this before it ruins me. I just have no idea HOW to do that.......................



Wish things would get easier.....

Well I haven't posted in a while, so I thought I'd update today. I have been doing pretty well emotionally:-) Which makes me REALLY happy! Chad and I have been getting along better and the sting is getting less and less. I just wish things would fall into place financially....Finding a job is nearly impossible anymore! If I could just get a job, things would be SO MUCH BETTER!!!

I have been working out almost every day for almost 2 weeks.  I did take 2 days off but I'm back at it now! I lost 2 1/4" from my waist and 1 1/2" from my hips in ONE week! I'm down 18 lbs as well now. I am super happy about it!!

School is going alright. I'm slowly bringing my grades back up but it's still a rough semester. I hope things get easier for me from here on out! I am thinking of switching majors from Nursing to Medical Assistant. I think it would be easier on me and the girls if I made this switch! We'll see.

Well I don't have much else to say today. Just thought I'd update!! I'll leave you with pics from weeks 1 and 2 so you can see the difference!

Week 1

Week 2

A little better....

Hello! I'm bored so I thought I'd write. Things are going a little better....for now. I'm getting things done about getting money and a job. My daycare vouchers should be coming through very very soon!!! As soon as that happens, JOB here I come!

I'm starting to have a little anxiety about Christmas. Chad's family has like 4 different parts to it. On Christmas eve, we go to his moms side (his moms house then his grandmas), then Christmas morning, we do Santa, get ready, and go to MY side of the family for about 2-3 hours. Then we go to his dads, then his step dads side of the family. So if I let him take them to his family things, I will only get my kids for like 4 hours on Christmas. I'm FREAKING out. I CANNOT be without my kids on Christmas!!!! I just may have to tell to go EFF himself and go with them just to be with the girls. I mean, the family doesn't mind at all because they love me so I think it'll be alright. We'll see how I do closer to the time. I get them Halloween and Thanksgiving because he works both days (yay!) Ok so that's selfish of me to say yay but I can't help it. I am a VERY big family oriented person and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the holidays. I love dressing the girls up and going to see all the family. And I've been doing this for almost 4 years now. Its hectic and crazy but I don't care. It's the best part of the holidays-being with family. So like I said, we'll see how it goes but I think he may have to suck it up and let me come. Besides, the whore isn't allowed to come so I think it'll be alright.

I don't know if I blogged about this yet, but I started an account on My Fitness Pal. According to them, I have lost about 15lbs since August. YAY! My name on there is Bria428. I've been tracking what I've been eating and doing. And a friend of mine is sending me a workout dvd and it should be here any day. I'm tooooo excited! Skinny-here I come! LOL!!!! Alright, I'm tired of writing haha. I'll ttyl:-)



One more for the day...my ABCs

a. age: 28
b. bed size: California King
c. chore that you hate: the laundry....but ONLY the folding and putting away part
d. dogs: Nope
e. essential start to your day: Smiles, hugs, and kisses from my girls
f. favorite color: purple
g. gold or silver: silver or white gold
h. height: 5'5 1/2"
i. instruments you play: the cd player haha
j. job title: SAHM and student for now
k. kids: Annabelle Christine and Peyton Kaleigh
l. live: Indiana
m. mother's name: Goerke
n. nicknames: Bri, B, Bri-butt, Bri Bri
o. overnight hospital stays: giving birth...twice:-)
p. Pet peeve: Smoking, liars, bad drivers...ok I have a LOT
q. quote from a movie: "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure don't deserve me at my best!" and "everything happens for a reason."
r. right or left handed: right
s. siblings: Bj, Jessica, Jason
u. underwear: right now? zebra striped ones haha
v. vegetable you hate: Peppers, tomatoes, onions, squash....
x. x-Rays you've had: wrist, chest, ankle, teeth...
y. Yummy food that you make: taco soup.
z. zoo animal: elephants!



Losing weight

My friend over at Lovely Little Adventure....I don't know how to tag other blogs in my blog yet lol.....made a blog about losing weight. She started a My fitness pal account and it encouraged me to do the same.

Before August, I wouldn't be surprised if I weighed around 310lbs. I started dieting Aug 1st and as of right now, I'm down to 290.2lbs. If I was right about the 310 mark, Ive lost about 20lbs since August 1st, if it was a little less, I've still lost between 10-20lbs:-) And it just keeps coming off! Hey works for me!

Anyways, I started a my fitness pal account too. My name is Bria428. I'll also keep it updated on here when I check in there!



*sigh*

So these past few days have been rough. He and I got into ANOTHER big fight, only this time, I didn't start it and there was NO reason for it at all. PLUS he won't give me any money now. So I have NO idea what I'm going to do. (sn-he just told me that he paid the landlord $125 and paid the water bill, is buying the baby diapers and toothpaste, and gave me $20-so at least that's SOMETHING) I mean I have plans that have been set into motion, but I can only go as fast as the state goes. I'm honestly afraid I'm going to have to quit school. Or at least drop this semester. I just don't WANT to. But I can't concentrate AT ALL. My grades have slipped horribly and it's just NOT happening for me this semester. I'm also afraid I'm going to have to change majors:-( I want to be a nurse SO badly but you HAVE to get an A in Anatomy and Physiology and right now, I'm NOT getting an A. Plus, you can only take it twice ever and I already dropped it in the spring due to accidentally signing up for an 8 week semester....whoops! And I guess that counted as 1 time:-( We'll see how it goes but I just may need to do it.

The other problem is I NEED a job. Christmas is coming up soon and I need to pay rent as of December 1st. I have it paid through November due to financial aid and loans but couldn't pay Dec/Jan because of having to pay the late rent and fees. So I paid $3000 for rent from July-November and he paid $125. Fair? I think NOT. Especially after all hes done to me.

Oh well. Things emotionally are getting better at least. I KNOW that I deserve WAY better than that and I know someday, I'll find it. It's just REALLY hard because I still love him, even though I don't WANT to. I'm sure with time, that will go away mostly, but he IS the father of my child(ren....hopefully he'll still adopt her) and I will always love him in a way.

I went to his cousin's wedding last night (he did NOT go) with the girls, and we had a BLAST! She looked AMAZINGLY beautiful!! I am So happy for them! And I made it through the wedding, only crying once! I'm pretty proud of myself haha!!

Alright, Well I'll leave you with a couple of pics from last night:-)

 Annabelle and I

Trying to keep Peyton quiet in church 

Peyton and mommy 



The happy couple:-) 

Me at the wedding 



Me again:-) 

She loves her mommy! 

Miss Annabelle:-)

Thanks for reading everyone!!



Doing better....for now....

Hello! Well my hand/wrist feels a little bit better. It seems like if I don't do much with it, it starts feeling better. However, I have 2 kids and an apartment to take care of, not to mention myself and school lol. So I think it will get bad again, but oh well! I'll deal with that like I deal with everything else:-)

Things have been a little bit better for me the last few days. After our HUGE fight last Friday, things were REALLY bad between Chad and I. However, when I talked to him on Mon or Tues? he apologized to me. Like sincerely did. He said he was going to try to be more understanding of what I'M going through in this whole situation and he also said he's going to try and watch what he says and think about how it's going to make me feel if he says it. He tends to say things to rub him and her in my face. And it REALLY gets to me (obviously).

Yesterday, he came to get the girls and forgot to text me when he was on the way, so instead of me just sending them out there, like originally planned, he came inside. I was scared of course. It seems like ever time I see him, I snap. But he gave the girls a hug and I was gathering Peyton's diaper bag up and he came and gave me a big hug and asked me if I was ok. He held me there for like a min. It hurt. A lot. But it felt good too. I told him I was alright for now, which is true. I just don't care anymore. I DO obviously, but I just can't. Its too draining. He doesn't care about "us" so why should I? I will ALWAYS love him and to be honest, I don't know if I will ever get past this. But I AM trying to.

I have also gotten a little good news this past week! I'm pretty sure I mentioned that he was our only income, I can't get a job until I get help with daycare (he won't pay for it), and I'm in school. I tried to apply for TANF-temporary assistance for needy families-but I got denied. I was on it once before before Chad and I got married and apparently I got sanctioned from getting it again. BUT this past week, I found out all I need to do is go to an IMPACT orientation and I will be unsanctioned!! So I'm waiting on the invite from them so I can go. I will get that, which will automatically give me free daycare, and I will start looking for a job. Unfortunately, right now, I can't work full time due to school. BUT I will do whatever I need to, to survive. Between child support, spousal support-IF I can get it-, and a part time job, I should be alright:-) I have paid on rent through November with my school loans so that's out of the way for a bit. But this is seriously amazing news for me! Please, if you're reading this, and have something mean to say, just DON'T say it! I am doing what I NEED to, to be able to get back on my feet. I was a single mom before with my oldest daughter and I worked 50+ hrs a week to provide for her and I with NO help from her "dad" whom she doesn't see anyways. I will do whatever I have to, to make sure everything's alright for these kids. BUT I will NOT give up school. He's taken EVERYTHING from me...including the fact that I now have to share my kids-which I never have before. We did things as a family. Now, we can't. So he's taken everything, I will NOT let him take me being able to get a good degree and a career! I have over a year put into this. I won't give it up.

So this week has been good. I just hope it stays that way. I don't think I can handle anymore crap lol. Today is Annabelle's picture day at school! I'm excited. I LOVE comparing her pictures from each year and see how much she's grown. She changes SO MUCH every year! She's not my baby anymore:-(

Alright, I'm done for today. Thanks for reading, if you are. I have a whole ONE follower (love you Ash!!) but I can see more people have read this so THANK YOU! :-) Hopefully I can build this into a good, fun to read, blog.